You're Not Bad at Networking… You Just Don't Have a System
Mastering Business Flow E57
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You've built systems, you've hired the team, you've worked harder than anyone you know. But your business still feels like it rests entirely on your shoulders.
That's not because you're missing a strategy. It's because you've been so busy running the business that you stopped building the relationships that grow it. Referrals dry up, partnerships never happen, and every new client has to be won from scratch. Until you treat relationships with the same attention you give your operations, you'll keep carrying the whole thing alone.
Where My Clients Actually Come From
When I look back, all of my business has come from people I have developed relationships with.
We learn a lot now about how to build a business online. I have built the funnels and the lead magnets and put out the social media strategy to attract people. But the way customers are most likely to come to me is through people I have met in person who have come to know, like, and trust me. We hear about "know, like, and trust" all the time, and building that relationship is the key.
This week I was listening to Jay Shetty's podcast episode on how to make friends as an adult. His episode was centered on the loneliness epidemic, and he gave five mindset shifts to help you overcome it, and I think these same mindset shifts apply to business owners. Used well, they become your true client attraction strategy.
5 Mindset Shifts for Building Business Relationships
Build systems to create relationships on purpose
Fear holds you back more than rejection does
People like you more than you think
Look for repetition, not chemistry
Don't wait for a community. Create one
1. Build Systems to Create Relationships on Purpose
Jay points out that in childhood we have built-in systems like school and sports. They create a natural network where we have to interact with people. As soon as we shift into adulthood, that depends more on us, and it becomes much harder to build relationships.
Business works the same way. We often think we can just hang up our shingle and people will start coming. It doesn't happen that way. You have to strategically build a system to attract people and build those relationships, and it's not going to happen overnight.
Your system needs two parts: a way to meet people and a way to keep up with them.
Join groups. Your local chamber is a great place to start, along with professional groups in your industry. Joining gives you a system that's already built in.
Capitalize on your CRM. I cannot keep up without it. Dunbar's number says we're only capable of maintaining relationships with about 150 people, so use technology to help. Track who you meet and add the details you learn about them, like how many children they have or the name of their dog, so you remember the next time you see them. It shows you're interested in them as a person.
Build in reminders. I know someone who tracks birthdays in her CRM and sends cards or a brownie, or even pops by to surprise people. You can also set reminders like "I haven't followed up with this person in a while. Let's reach out again."
2. Fear Holds You Back More Than Rejection Does
So many times people don't get out there because they are afraid of what might happen. Jay talks about how people are afraid to take that first step and go deeper, so the relationship never has a chance to start.
This is very true in business. Those who are successful are willing to reach out and take that first step.
Try this at your next networking event: scan the room and look for the person standing by themselves, talking to no one. They came because they wanted to meet people, but they don't know how to overcome that fear. That's an easy way in. It's much harder to break into a closed circle of people, though you can sometimes find an opening and squeeze your way into the conversation.
Remember that many of the other people there have the same fears. Chances are they're not going to reject you. They're hoping someone will talk to them. That's why they're there.
One of the best ways to deal with fear is to confront it gradually, in safe, small steps, until it isn't a fear anymore. Make your system something like signing up for one event a week, and then once you're there, getting yourself to actually talk to people.
3. People Like You More Than You Think
This is the fear of rejection. We're afraid to talk to people or follow up because we think, "They don't like me. I'm not this or I'm not that." Studies show that's usually not true. People almost always like us more than we imagine.
Don't assume people don't like you (or your product) because of their reactions. It could be something that has nothing to do with you. Don't tell yourself that they're not interested and use that as an excuse not to talk about what you have to offer.
The best way to stop worrying about how much people like you is to be more interested in them. People are more interested in you when you are interested in them. Get them to do more of the talking and ask lots of questions. Don't be an inquisitor grilling them to death, but show that you're genuinely interested.
The classic sales advice is that the other person should be speaking at least 70% of the time. If you're dominating the conversation, they're not going to want to talk to you. People like to talk about themselves, so let them.
4. Look for Repetition, Not Chemistry
I love this tip from Jay. Relationships aren't built from one great conversation where you really click. They're built by spending time together again and again. That's what we had as kids, seeing the same people every day at school and every week at clubs.
In business, that means picking one or two organizations and showing up regularly.
Too many people I know joined the chamber or another organization and said it was no good for them. What did they do? They went to maybe one event a month, sat in the back of the room, and only talked to people they already knew. They weren't building any relationships.
Sometimes a group really isn't the right fit. I've gone to groups and realized they weren't potential clients or partners and didn't bring me the connections I needed. But you won't know unless you dedicate the time up front.
I try to go to two networking events a week, in the same groups, so I see the same people over and over and get to know them.
Get involved. Volunteer, join a committee, or join the board. You'll have more connection and see people more often.
5. Don't Wait for a Community. Create One
If you can't find the right community, or one feels like it's missing, make it.
Everybody wants to participate, but very few people want to take the initiative. Every community exists because somebody started it. Host a coffee or a book club. I've started several book clubs. I even started a group called the Funtervention Group, an idea I got from Laurie Santos's podcast The Happiness Lab, where the point is to find joyful things to do together.
People want a way to meet and they are looking for it. Of course, balance this with your time, but if you can't find the right group, create it.
The Excuses Holding You Back (And What to Do About Them)
Even when we know all this, we still have plenty of reasons not to do it.
"It takes too much effort."
It's easier to sit back in your office, keep things comfortable and safe, and keep more time available. Relationship-building does take time, and you have to commit to something weekly or monthly when you already feel stretched thin. The fix is to schedule it. Put it on your calendar. The more routine it becomes, the easier it gets.
"It feels vulnerable."
Starting a group or walking into a networking event can feel scary. But to organize a group, you don't have to be the most impressive, outgoing, or well-connected person out there. You just have to be the one taking the initiative, and that earns a lot of respect.
"They might say no."
Maybe you want to organize an event but you're afraid nobody will come. Believe me, I have organized plenty of events where no one came, or only one person did. But all it cost me was an email. If you don't ask, you'll never know. People appreciate the effort, and just by asking, you get in front of them one more time. That's building the repetition we want.
"I'll wait to be invited."
It's easier to wait, but they may never ask. Everyone is waiting for someone else to go first. You can be the one who goes first.
"I'm not ready yet."
Maybe your website isn't done or you don't have enough clients for proof of concept. Unfortunately, you're probably never going to feel ready. Send it anyway. Your confidence builds once you start.
"I don't know what to say."
You're probably overthinking your message. Instead of getting stuck in paralysis, keep it simple, drop the agenda, and make it as easy a lift as possible.
"I'm too shy. I'm not a people person."
Jay points out that people with strong communities aren't necessarily the most extroverted or outgoing, and they still get nervous. Plenty of people who speak on stages will tell you they're introverts who used to have stage fright. They're just willing to risk a small bit of discomfort.
If you skip the chamber mixer or sit at the back of the conference because "networking isn't my thing," the person who shows up and talks to people is going to win the clients and referrals.
You don't need to work the whole room. Talk to the person next to you at your table. I often have much better conversations one-on-one than trying to meet everyone. Set a goal for every event: walk away with at least one follow-up call booked.
"People don't like me."
We covered this in shift #3. They probably like you more than you think, and the way to be sure is to be genuinely interested in them.
The Bigger Trap: Making It Your Identity
The biggest excuse is the one we turn into who we are. "I'm not outgoing." "I'm not good at sales." I know I've said that to myself.
This is not your identity. It is a skill that can be learned. It just means you don't have the right systems in place yet.
Use these tips to build those systems and grow your network. It's the best way to get people who know, like, and trust you, and to build superfans and future clients.
Start Here
Your homework: think of one person and send them a text today saying, "Let's grab coffee."
Business does not have to be this hard.
May you find your flow.
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